I Gave You A UTI
by Em Kay Who
Summary: "I'm sorry, Rose," he apologised looking not the least bit sincere as he danced about the kitchen, "but that's how it goes after you have so much fantastic sex with me."


**A/N: This is a super silly one-shot based off a certain scene/song from the tv show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. It's pure silliness and shouldn't be taken too seriously.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, Crazy Ex Girlfriend or anything related. The title of this fic, plus some lines below are borrowed from the episode "Why Is Josh in a Bad Mood?" Credit for those lines belong to the writers of that show.**

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"Ow, ow, ow," Rose grumbled as she carefully maneuvered her way down the stairs leading from her bedroom to the living area.

"Rose?" the Doctor looked up at her, concerned. He was standing in the kitchen with a frying pan in one hand and a carton of eggs in the other.

He and Rose had only been in this universe for four days and were in desperate need of something with sustenance to eat. Not that they haven't ate anything in days, they had, but it was mostly snack foods, crisps and the like. Mind, he had't intended to go so long without a meal, but he'd been a bit preoccupied. The first day was spent travelling from Bad Wolf Bay to London via zeppelin (and wasn't that a slightly terrifying experience) and setting up an identity for himself, because, according to Rose and Jackie, being part human meant he needed a legal name as opposed to just being the Doctor. The following three days were spent solely with Rose in her townhouse getting to know her again. And what an... energetic time that was.

She waved him off as she slowly sat herself down at the kitchen table. "Fine, I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine and you were in the loo much longer than usual," he pointed out.

"I'll be fine. It just burns when I pee," she informed him, mortified by the blush that was spreading across her cheeks. After their recent activities she really had no reason to embarrassed, but the fact that he knew how long she was usually in the loo was a bit odd.

The Doctor's eyes widened. "What?! That sounds the exact opposite of fine!"

Rose shrugged. "It's happened to me before. Ages ago, really. You know, back when I first started... Well, never mind that. I think I have a UTI."

"Huh?"

"Urinary tract infection."

"What?" His glance fell below her waste, as if he stared hard enough he might develop x-ray vision and figure out exactly what she meant and what was wrong.

Rose cleared hear throat so he would bring his gaze back to her face. "Seriously? Big Time Lord brain of yours and you don't know what a UTI is? Oh, you are such a man."

He sniffed. "Well, I would think that much is obvious."

Rose couldn't help but laugh at the pout on his face. "Just never thought I'd see the day where I know something you don't."

"What are you talking about? You know loads of things I don't! Now please explain to me what a UTI is."

"Okay, well, UTI is an inflammation of the urethra caused by, um, excessive amounts of _vigorous_ sexual activity." He made a pleased noise at her explanation and Rose couldn't help but give a small grin. "It also doesn't help if a man is too, uh..." She began gesturing with her hands, hoping it would get the picture.

"Too what?" he questioned naively.

She took a deep breath and began searching for the right word. "Capacious?"

The Doctor lit up, a wild grin spreading across his face. "You know, I'm not sure I know that word! I was going to blame it on only being part-Time Lord, but now I think it might be because all the blood rushing towards my capacious-"

"And you can stop right there, mister!"

"UTI you say? Huh." He let a small giggle escape as he began the task of frying up some eggs.

Rose looked at him skeptically. "You find this funny?"

"Well," he drew out, "not funny..."

Realisation dawned. "Oh my god! You're actually pleased with yourself! You're pleased you gave me a UTI!"

"I'm sorry, Rose," he apologised looking not the least bit sincere as he danced about the kitchen, "but that's how it goes after you have so much fantastic sex with me."

She sighed. "You do realise that it's not really a comment on the quality of the sex, as much as a lot of sex has been happening and there's just a very natural transfer of bacteria to my-"

"Rose!" the Doctor fussed. Was she trying to ruin this for him? Obviously sex wasn't something he was terribly experienced at and he had been nervous the whole time that he wouldn't please his Rose.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, forgive me. Feel free to continue gloating."

He wagged his eyebrows. "Don't mind if I do!" Pulling her up from her seat, the Doctor began dancing her around the kitchen and living room. "Think of it this way, Rose, at least it was UTI and not a STI!"

She couldn't help but laugh as the Doctor spun her around the table. "There is that. I'm just glad that if one good thing can come from my searing pain, it's that it feeds your ego."

The Doctor stopped abruptly and immediately lead Rose to the sofa. "Searing pain?! Rose, I didn't realise... I was just being silly. I thought, well I don't know what I thought, but I've just been so... These past few days with you have been amazing, and blimey, I love you so much. And I've been an idiot to you, dancing and laughing, while you're in pain because of something I've done to you. Rude. That's what I am. I just-"

"Doctor!" Rose interrupted. Bless him, he was a bit rude, but she also knew that as smart as he was, he really didn't understand how uncomfortable her current predicament was. "I'll be okay, yeah? I just need to make sure I drink lots of water and take some cranberry pills. I'll put in a call to Torchwood medical later and get some painkillers."

"Really?"

"I'll also have to take a few days off from the vigorous sexual activity," she added with the grin she knew he loved. The one where she let her tongue peek out between her teeth.

"Anything, Rose," he promised vehemently. "I'll do anything to make you better."

"You being here. That makes me better."

"Rose..."

She bit her lip and quietly said, "I just want you to be happy here. I know this isn't what you're used to." She gestured around the room. "Walls, and carpets, and curtains-"

"Oh my," he tagged on to make her giggle.

"But really though. This life, it's not what you're used to. These past few days with you have been more than I could have ever hoped for, but we've also sort of been hidin' away in my bedroom. It can't be like that all the time."

He pulled her into his arms, allowing her head to rest over his one heat. "Oh, Rose. This life is the one adventure I could never have. I'm not saying it's always going to be easy or there won't be days where I won't struggle, but as long as I have you, my hand to hold, everything will be okay."

Rose hummed happily and allowed herself to rest in his embrace for a few minutes before an overwhelming smell took over her senses. "Uh, Doctor? I think your eggs are burning." The Doctor jumped up so quickly, she completely lost her balance and ended sprawled across her living room floor as the Doctor raced into the kitchen before the fire alarm could go off. Unfortunately, he was a few seconds too late. As she laid there on the floor, in pain from her UTI and from the fall she just took, fire alarm blaring, and smoke pouring out of her kitchen, Rose couldn't help but laugh. The one adventure he could never have indeed.


End file.
